Love Language Remembered

Lino cut I made in 2007 in a high school art class for the cover of a mix CD

A few days ago I had a sudden and strong urge to make my partner a playlist. 

We had a rough day. It was almost the New Moon. I was hormonal, stressed, feeling totally overwhelmed, and I lost it! 

Instead of asking for the space or comfort that I needed, I projected all my anger, discomfort, confusion onto my partner. I did this with such conviction it would have been funny if it wasn’t so unfair. It came to an end when I walked out the door shouting “I’m going to get the laundry out of the dryer and when I come back you better not be here!” 

When I came back and he was gone, I burst into tears, so full of regret and pain. We’ve been in such a good place lately, a place we worked hard to get to. Couples therapy, intimacy games and practices, working through childhood wounding together, working through infidelity – it’s been a journey. So it was all the more disappointing when something felt off. 

It was one of those moments where I could see myself flailing, saying one thing after another, winding myself up. I knew it was time to pause and yet, I didn’t know how to stop. It reminded me of a very slow car accident I once had in a parking garage. I was a new driver and the ramp into the garage was steep. I started rolling and my brake wasn’t braking like I expected — I remember watching in slow-mo as I crashed at 10 miles an hour into the cement column.

Afterwards someone asked why I didn’t turn left. I was so focused on what was happening, I missed that as an option.

And here I was again, crashing in slow-mo. I couldn’t seem to right the wrongs. I was spinning and it didn’t feel like I had the energy to stop it, even though in retrospect, I see I could’ve just sat down, surrendered. I could’ve turned left, but I was too busy freaking out. 

Luckily my partner isn’t a short-sighted person, he’s a visionary who keeps the big picture in mind. He texted me an hour or so later saying that he loved me and hated the way the day went. He said he never wants that to happen. That he wants our time together to be supportive, nourishing, hopeful. I was overcome with such regret and sorrow, I apologized, but it didn’t feel like enough. I hadn’t spun out like that in so long and I forgot how overwhelming the whiplash of it can be. Perspective comes back in a snap and it’s disorienting trying to figure out what just happened. 

A few hours later I was doing the dishes and must’ve hit the wrong button on my phone because a song I haven’t heard in years started playing. “Hey” by Elvis Perkins. IT WAS MY FAVOURITE SONG YEARS AGO! I still knew all the words. It took me right back to 2010 when I used to listen to it on repeat on my little golden iPod shuffle. 

Me in Iceland on an average day weather-wise

At the time I was traveling around Iceland, spending a lot of cold nights in my sleeping bag at hostels. I would curl up, with my beanie and fleece on, wool socks, and a scarf, and I would listen to this song over and over! The whole album was great, but this song was everything to me. It was so hopeful, so upbeat, so energized! 

Just the first line lit me up. “Oh yes, Come with me, I’ll take you anywhere!”

It made me feel like anything was possible at any moment. A feeling that comforted me on freezing nights snuggled up alone in a strange hostel as I wondered what I was doing with my life. 

Hearing this song unexpectedly put me into another place, a place where I was searching and seeking everywhere. A time when I was longing for so much, things I couldn’t even name if I tried. Yes, at the time I was on an adventure, but I was also homesick for something. For something I didn’t understand. I was so unsettled, grasping at whatever came my way. 

I would buy international calling cards and spend hours in the hostel lounges talking to my friends in the US. I was meeting so many new people everyday, but I wanted to be around folks I knew. Who knew me. Which was a lot to ask since I didn’t even know me in a lot of ways. 

Hearing this song, especially after such a display with my partner, it brought back so much. It gave me a really welcome perspective shift. I remembered how much I loved making my friends and family mix CDs at this time! I was “famous” for it, spending hours picking out just the right songs, shuffling them around until I had just the right order. Making collaged cover art and decorating the CD with sharpies and flowing lettering. 

It was something I prided myself on! A way I showed love and care. A way to share what lit me up with the people I loved the most. And suddenly, standing in my kitchen in Brooklyn, ten years later, I had the sudden urge to make my partner a playlist. It’s so easy now, I thought! Just a few clicks on Spotify and I can send it straight away. 

Also there was another draw. Raised Catholic, the idea of repentance (the action of repenting; sincere regret or remorse) and penance (voluntary self-punishment inflicted as an outward expression of repentance for having done wrong) still resurface all the time. It’s more than possible that I’ve fetishized acts of devotion. 

In this moment, making a playlist felt like the perfect penance, a way I could demonstrate my love and dedication to my partner, to our relationship. A way for me to devote myself for a time to creating a declaration, something beyond an apology or an explanation. Or another way of looking at it is a great way to process my guilt by creating something. An additive method instead of a subtractive one. 

And so here it is. The first playlist I’ve made for someone in years! 

It starts with “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac because a few weeks ago my partner was listening to that song and I was so excited asking “WHO IS THIS!? I LOVE THIS SONG!” Yes, I live in my own world, which is a constant source of amusement. The next song is “Hey” by Elvis Perkins, it really kicks off the excited, frenzied part of the playlist. 

I also used a lot of classics, a lot of songs that I love having on playlists. As I made it, I felt like I was in high school again or a nineteen year old lost in Iceland, sharing my favorite songs with my favorite people. I felt the love and appreciation for my partner swell inside me, overflowing from my heart. I thought about how he is my best friend, my favourite playmate, someone that is compassionate, loving, patient, a visionary who inspires me, challenges me, delights me! 

I wish I knew him in high school and in those strange traveling days! I wish we were together whispering secrets, wrestling for fun, and planning our next move. But I wasn’t ready for him yet, I had such a long path to walk before I met him. I don’t want to forget that or take our relationship for granted. This is the most generative, caring relationship I have ever been in. 

I’ve been listening to this playlist since I made it – reflecting on how much has changed in the decade since I was obsessed with the song that inspired it. Really bringing awareness to all that has happened and unfolded. Feeling into the goodness of what I have now, and where I am, especially with this partnership. Sure I have my moments, I act in ways that I’m not proud of. But at my core, I am so grateful for how much has changed. How much has come into my life and how rooted I feel. I am so grateful for this kind of love and understanding.

John, my partner, in a photo taken summer 2019 with the Huji app