FUCK YES November
2020. What a fucking year! The lessons, the shifts, the loss, the love.
As it comes to a close I have been thinking so much about what I am here for. What am I on this planet to do? AND what do I stand for? What do I show up for? What can I and do I want to hold?
This weekend was Halloween, a Full Blue Moon in Taurus, Daylight Savings ended. It was Samhain, Day of the Dead, All Saints’ Day, and All Souls’ Day. Sean Connery and Betty Dodson passed onto the other side.
Every single thing I read, every horoscope, every tarot card pulled, every look into November is saying the same thing. PAUSE.
Rest.
Stop.
Chill.
Wait.
Create slowly. No more pushing, no more pulling.
Now is a time for restful creation, for integrated making. Busy work is a waste of time. Creating without mindfulness achieves little and serves no one. Even though we have been so well conditioned to focus on productivity and work, to measure our value by what we produce, that is quickly becoming a way of the past. Now is a time to pause, to celebrate, to create from a place of real resonance. It’s time to center, refresh, recalibrate, reconfigure.
I have felt that in every cell of my being. I have felt this shift coming for weeks.
In fact, two weeks ago after a particularly impactful breathwork circle with Jordan Pagán, I posted this on Facebook:
It came in like a breeze at first and then honestly blew me away. FUCK YES NOVEMBER!
I posted on Facebook, I wrote it on my calendar big and bold across the whole month. Then I made a note on the bottom of October that said “Prepare for FUCK YES NOVEMBER!” Make way, make room, begin practicing the yeses and the nos.
FUCK YES NOVEMBER has two parts:
Say yes to what really sings to me, what draws me in, what serves my greatest desires. Otherwise let it be, allow there to be space. Don’t be afraid of scarcity or openness.
Say yes to things I have put off or held back for any reason like I didn’t think I deserved it or earned it. That is a myth! I don’t need to earn or fight for every moment of joy, support, or pleasure in this life. I can take part in and enjoy the pleasures that are available. There are many, if I want them!
I have such a hard time saying no sometimes. Sure there are boundaries I am still learning to have, still creating and forming. And there are plenty of concessions - probably thousands at this point. Things I do to make others happy, to help things run smoothly, because I think I should, etc. All the usual suspects. I also have trouble saying no because I love trying things out. I love living life as a buffet of options and variety! I love experimenting and tasting everything.
Since my Saturn Return a few years ago, life has been one smorgasbord after another. Trying so many things, and finding that I loved a lot of them in ways I never would have expected. Experimenting with random and inexplicable whims has brought me here, today, and who knows where I would have ended up if I hadn't taken all those chances. I've embraced the fact that I'm a hands-on learner -- usually I can't tell if something is right until I've got it there in my grasp. The grace comes from knowing that it's ok to let go of the things that aren't in alignment, and testing that impulse over and over creates a new kind of trust in your intuition.
I was recently lamenting that this buffet period feels like it’s coming to a close to Lou Elda (link). To which they casually and brilliantly said “Maybe it’s time to digest.” That resonated all throughout my body. I have been fighting this time - this hunkering down, this hermiting, this going inward to produce and create. I love being out, I love trying all the wondrous things the world has to offer! I love the spark and the drunkenness I get from newness and novelty!
And yet, I feel so tired. I’ve been waking up exhausted, falling into bed as the sun rises after a long day of forcing myself to do so much. To try so many things, to work for one more hour! Until my body rebels or asserts itself.
I often joke that I am a maximalist. In my art, in the way I learn and want to take everything in! In the way I impulsively start more books than I can possibly read, reading a little of everything and then picking up five more books! Or opening ten more tabs or telling five folks I’ll call them. I’m very optimistic about my capacity. And as I get older it’s becoming more and more clear there are limitations for a reason. I used to drag my body through life. That doesn’t work anymore. It’s time to honor and appreciate my body, to drop into its wisdom and celebrate its boundaries and limitations. Easier said than done.
I know roots are growing. My path is deepening and so the narrowing feels natural. But there’s a sadness to that. It feels like loss, even though it’s the next logical phase of the cycle.
I also know that everything spirals outwards and inwards, overlapping in a million directions towards infinity. And so here we* are. A time of digestion, of inward spiraling, of rooting. A time to recover some of my energy to put towards this very important part of my path.
What I’m doing right now is no small feat. As often as I say it’s easy and simple doesn’t make it so. I am finishing a year-long coaching certification and starting a coaching business to serve families and parents. I’m at a threshold, a culmination point. All the paths, all the steps I’ve tried and taken over the last decade have led me to this moment. There’s a new depth to my understanding of my purpose here on Earth.
I’ve spent so long getting to this point and at least the last three years gathering the tools and experiences. I am so ready. AND I find myself saying yes to everything. Jamming my schedule full of Zoom calls, workshops, signing up for every email list and trying to learn every skill. All this, even though the guiding voices are telling me that in reality this is the time for me to shine. This is the time to put all that down for a moment and focus on my own voice, my own wisdom. It’s time to trust. Time to trust myself, my guides, and my path.
This doesn’t mean it’s time to push. It’s not a battle. This is a time of focused growth, of lovingly tending the seeds that have germinated. It’s time to touch each new leaf and marvel at its beauty. This is a time for me to nurture and nourish what will soon nourish me and those I serve. And I don’t want to miss this window, this season with all its joys and lessons.
I recently had a revelation about “priorities.” This word has always bugged me. Made me feel inadequate and destined to fail. Priorities have never come easy to me. I want so much! I look around and see infinite beauty and potential. How could I ever choose what to focus on? Why limit myself? What’s wrong with another project, another book, another class or big goal?
This summer I was asking all these questions and it dawned on me! Priorities should be additive, not subtractive. I can see priorities as a way to add time and energy towards something I really really really care about! It might mean taking some of that time and energy from something I care about, BUT it serves the whole system. It creates flow and abundance in the places I focus. It’s a way to spread resources so they actually count towards something, so that something gets nourished and can in turn nourish.
This new understanding was a monumental moment for me. It’s also when I decided that starting a business, having a blog, working on a podcast, and launching another project were enough for me at this moment. I have never before said to myself “My project plate is full.” To my surprise, it was a relief! Honoring my limitations and acknowledging my capacity felt so good. Even just admitting that I have a capacity. That while I am a multiplicitous being, I am not a limitless one. It’s like I suddenly understood that to be effective at anything I have to be mindful and address my natural rhythms and cycles. Which include times of digestion and focused, steady growth. It even includes days of no growth, of no movement, no yeses.
It doesn’t make me wrong or a failure. Ignoring my own needs, desires, and boundaries is something I have been way too good at in the past. My natural limits offer so much, they aren’t a nuisance if I don’t see them like that.
Sometimes liberation isn’t overcoming the obstacles or defeating the bounds of this earthly reality, it’s finding a way to honor them and be in harmony. So that’s what this November is about for me. What happens when I center those limits? When I honor my energy, my time, my desires, needs, and boundaries in a celebratory, additive way? I can’t wait to find out.
*I sometimes refer to myself as “we” to really honor all the many parts and pieces.