The Last 11 Weeks
Intentionally Glitched Scan of Parsnip Roots c. 2014
It’s been 11.285 weeks since I posted here, 79 days, and in those days… chaos! Globally, locally, and personally. There have been so many shifts, changes, revelations, new and newer realizations, moments of reckoning, bigger truths coming forward, connections, growth in every direction imaginable, new understanding, expansion and contraction happening in tandem, parallel and intersecting. There’s also been incredible tension, loss, grief, anger, rage, and righteous fury!
Everything feels like it is changing minute to minute. Everyday when I wake up and see the world is still outside my window, I say a prayer of thanks. Every night when I go to bed, I sing a prayer of gratitude, I made it another day. There are reminders all around us that nothing is constant. The anchors I once counted on have disappeared or floated into space like a rogue balloon or have been lost in a sudden tidal wave. Because of this, rooting and grounding has new meaning to me. You can find me in the park most weekday afternoons standing barefoot with my arms outstretched. I’m picturing the roots springing forth from the soles of my feet connecting me to the Earth, helping me stay balanced. Helping me stay here, on this planet.
The death/rebirth cycles have felt faster and more intense than ever. This summer I have been exploring Tarot, learning and playing with it, using it as a tool of support. I keep pulling the Death card, over and over and over! In the beautiful deck I use by SerpentFire, given to me by a dear friend, the mantra for the Death card is “I die a thousand deaths, and am reborn a thousand and one times!” How empowering is that?! Especially right now.
I’m writing fresh from the most recent cycle - I was so burnt out, so down, so low I wasn’t sure I would make it out. I really felt like I was dying and the world was ending all at the same time. Doom felt not only inevitable but imminent. I felt like I was collapsing internally, like a volcano long dead falling in on itself. It was hard to communicate how this felt in the moment, especially since I have never felt this level of darkness or been so close to the edge of hopelessness. With the Full Moon on Tuesday, I prayed, a desperate prayer, for strength, hope, and support. I also posted, texted, sent out and called in every line of support I could think of. And I’m beyond grateful to say, it’s working.
A friend dropped off a care package, another friend treated me to a breathwork session, my nieces Facetimed me and said “As soon as COVID is over, we are coming to your house to make art, dance, do facepaint, have adventures, sing, and make awesome things together!” I’ve gotten texts and DMs expressing love, giving me hope, helping me remember that I am still alive and as long as I’m alive I want to be enjoying this life and working towards what I think matters most.
I had a realization this morning while laying in bed meditating in communion with my well, bright ancestors. Of course, I want others to help me and take care of me and teach me. AND of all the humans alive right now, I can do this best for myself. I am the best equipped, I know what I need, I know how to get it, and that includes when and how to seek help from others. This message was a liberating, refreshing drop of wisdom. I don’t do things for myself because I have to or no one else will or wants to, I do them because I want to and that serves my well-being! My top priority right now is my own well being and prosperity, which feels very edgy and necessary to declare.
No one is an island and as much as we love the visual, there aren’t really any lone wolves.* We are all connected. In ways we may never understand. Yet, we can be our own best ally, teacher, caregiver, and friend. In a recent session with Lou Elda, they gave me an amazing set of tools to allow for and move through grief. This included humming, percussive movement, beauty finding, joint rolling (ankles, wrists, hips), exploring sound, communing with nature, etc. These have been so helpful and in the end, it has to be me to do them! They provided the tools, but they can’t do them for me. I have to be the one saying yes, I have to do the work, and live my life, and at the same time, I’m definitely not alone on this planet or in this struggle.
The Great Gerhard Richter at work, collaged with a banner c. 2015
Lou also reminded me of all the support that I have around me, not just human support, but support from plants, animals, energies, etc. With that reminder, I thought of my favorite objects supporting me - I pictured everything in an intricate web of support with a perfect me sized spot available in the middle for me to rest in. There were salt lamps, the color yellow, roses, my well ancestors, my transcestor guide, sparkling water, candles, Tarot cards and sacred images, the grass in the park, my favorite tea, pearl couscous, there was a multi colored blanket, and the squirrel that often hangs out on my fire escape. It was so beautiful. I felt so held, infused with love and comfort coming in from every direction! Nourishing me through my pores. And I knew this web is always around me, I can step into the middle and feel the holding at any time.
So yeah, the last 79 days have been unprecedented, intense, hot, wild, watery, rupturous, scary, exciting, incredible, overflowing, bubbly, rising, transformational, liminal as fuck! I have felt all the feelings I have felt in my 31 years on this planet in rapid succession, all together, like a chorus and a cacophony, including so much love and connectedness right next to, swirled into, epic grief and hopelessness, rage and terror.
This summer, since starting this blog, I have also started three other big projects! I have advocated for myself, educated myself and others. I have discovered my love of coaching, uncovered new boundaries and made declarations! I have written letters and long emails, I’ve made logos and sacred symbols, finding my way back to pen and paper. I have gained an expanded understanding of my own ever evolving identity, especially in regards to my gender and my spirit. I’ve explored magick and healing in community and on my own. I have taken so many steps on my path, gotten so deep into the forest that I thought I surely died, fell into an abyss, never to return and then I saw the spark of light and found my way again, reborn brighter.
I used to think adult life was go go go go go, work work work work work until you die, and now I think it’s go rest rest go go go rest rest gooooo realign rest death rest rebirth go rest go rest death rebirth realign and go and rest in an endless cycle that changes with every pass. I’m thrilled to say I think I’m moving into a rest time, a time of deepening and re-connecting, a time of writing and sharing. There’s grounding and recalibration in the air. And right in the nick of time!
Here comes big Hermit energy. Enter yin, a monk scrawling by candlelight (in my case Saint Charbel Makhlouf, image below), rain on the roof, cozy inside while the veil is thin and the wind blows through the trees, glorious fall vibes. If that’s the case, I have so much to share with you here! I’m coming back after 11 weeks in the flames, baptized by the fire, ordained with heat, while in the throes of temptation (I’m no longer Catholic, but the imagery still strikes a chord with me). I’m coming back with a new perspective, and a renewed desire to share. Please stand by!
St. Charbel, Hermit of Lebanon, 1828-1898
*A note on lone wolves: “Wolves are good at relationships. Anyone who has observed wolves sees how deeply they bond. Mates are most often for life. Even though they clash, even though there is dissension, their bonds carry them over and through harsh winters, plentiful springs, long walks, new offspring, old predators, tribal dances, and group sings. The relational needs of humans are no different.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run With Wolves.